Lamentations 3:1-33

1 ^[a] I am the man who has seen affliction
       by the rod of his wrath. 
 2 He has driven me away and made me walk
       in darkness rather than light; 
 3 indeed, he has turned his hand against me
       again and again, all day long. 
 4 He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
       and has broken my bones. 
 5 He has besieged me and surrounded me
       with bitterness and hardship. 
 6 He has made me dwell in darkness
       like those long dead. 
 7 He has walled me in so I cannot escape;
       he has weighed me down with chains. 
 8 Even when I call out or cry for help,
       he shuts out my prayer. 
 9 He has barred my way with blocks of stone;
       he has made my paths crooked. 
 10 Like a bear lying in wait,
       like a lion in hiding, 
 11 he dragged me from the path and mangled me
       and left me without help. 
 12 He drew his bow
       and made me the target for his arrows. 
 13 He pierced my heart
       with arrows from his quiver. 
 14 I became the laughingstock of all my people;
       they mock me in song all day long. 
 15 He has filled me with bitter herbs
       and sated me with gall. 
 16 He has broken my teeth with gravel;
       he has trampled me in the dust. 
 17 I have been deprived of peace;
       I have forgotten what prosperity is. 
 18 So I say, "My splendor is gone
       and all that I had hoped from the LORD." 
 19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
       the bitterness and the gall. 
 20 I well remember them,
       and my soul is downcast within me. 
 21 Yet this I call to mind
       and therefore I have hope: 
 22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
       for his compassions never fail. 
 23 They are new every morning;
       great is your faithfulness. 
 24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
       therefore I will wait for him." 
 25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
       to the one who seeks him; 
 26 it is good to wait quietly
       for the salvation of the LORD. 
 27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
       while he is young. 
 28 Let him sit alone in silence,
       for the LORD has laid it on him. 
 29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
       there may yet be hope. 
 30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
       and let him be filled with disgrace. 
 31 For men are not cast off
       by the Lord forever. 
 32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
       so great is his unfailing love. 
 33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
       or grief to the children of men.

Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Psalm 119:67, 71, 75
Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word.
It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.
I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

Job 5:17-18
Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.  For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.

Proverbs 3:11-12
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves as a father the son he delights in.

Psalm 10:14
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand.  The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.

Psalm 31:2-5, 7-10, 14, 19-24
2 Turn your ear to me,
       come quickly to my rescue;
       be my rock of refuge,
       a strong fortress to save me. 
 3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
       for the sake of your name lead and guide me. 
 4 Free me from the trap that is set for me,
       for you are my refuge. 
 5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
       redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.

 7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
       for you saw my affliction
       and knew the anguish of my soul. 
 8 You have not handed me over to the enemy
       but have set my feet in a spacious place. 
 9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
       my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
       my soul and my body with grief. 
 10 My life is consumed by anguish
       and my years by groaning;
       my strength fails because of my affliction, ^[a]
       and my bones grow weak.

 14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
       I say, "You are my God."

 19 How great is your goodness,
       which you have stored up for those who fear you,
       which you bestow in the sight of men
       on those who take refuge in you. 
 20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them
       from the intrigues of men;
       in your dwelling you keep them safe
       from accusing tongues. 
 21 Praise be to the LORD,
       for he showed his wonderful love to me
       when I was in a besieged city. 
 22 In my alarm I said,
       "I am cut off from your sight!"
       Yet you heard my cry for mercy
       when I called to you for help. 
 23 Love the LORD, all his saints!
       The LORD preserves the faithful,
       but the proud he pays back in full. 
 24 Be strong and take heart,
       all you who hope in the LORD.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
- John 8:36

I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace.  In this world
you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.
- John 16:33

My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent His rebuke, because
the LORD disciplines those He loves, as a father the son he delights in.
- Proverbs 3:11-12

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except
that which God has established.  The authorities that exist have been established by God.
- Romans 13:1

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
- Matthew 5:11-12

So, in writing a note to Kristin, these thoughts became apparent:

1.  I question myself constantly about the decisions made in the last year.  So far the questioning has done nothing but further my conviction that I did what was right, for the right reasons, and I did it, for the most part, in the right way.  The reason for the constant wrestling is that the people I was closest to over the first three years of college now I hate me, so I wonder what I did "wrong."

2.  I've recognized in a different part of my mind (perhaps the same part originally, although these thoughts were very quickly shoved towards the back) that, generally speaking, many of my activities over the first three years of college were wrong, but even more than that most of them weren't right.  I gave up potential relationships with dozens of friends, my priorities and social life sprang from the bar scene rather than the BSU or church scene, and I wonder what other situations I gave up that the aforementioned decisions precluded me even knowing about.  I know all of this was wrong; I've asked forgiveness for it and, knowing I've received it, moved on.  But this brings me to the third point:

3.  I agonize over the decisions I know are right, I pour my heart out to God begging him to give me relief from this pain and restore relationships that were never based on anything more than a desire to have a good time, and yet I hardly think about the lifestyle of wrong decisions I made beforehand.  Why?  Because there are no former friends actively hating me because I chose this path.  The life I chose during the first three years resulted in non-existence; anything that I would have or did miss I missed simply because I never allowed it to come into being.  What happened over the last year was me leaving that which I created and I am actively hated because of it.  I mourn being hated and having lost more than I mourn not knowing what and who I could have known and having lost what I never really had.  Sigh.  The latter is the greater loss by far but it is the more anonymous one, and therefore less painful.

I mourn because I lost them.

I lost them because when the time came to choose between doing what was right or doing what was the popular thing, I chose what was right.  It was at that point when I, in the words of my former roommate, "couldn't be trusted."  I've reviewed the decisions and situations in my mind hundreds, if not thousands, of times over the past year.  When it comes down to it, I wouldn't have made any different decisions.  There are things I would have done differently; small details that would have changed, the manner in which I had the conversations and made the confrontations would have differed slightly, but in the end my decisions would have been the same.  It's interesting to me that the things I would change would actually bring me closer to the decision I ended up making, rather than draw me closer to where they wanted me to be.

But I still mourn them.  My heart is torn apart when I see them.

I constantly ask myself why.  I wonder why they reacted the way they did, why they left, and why they hate me so much.  I gave them so much love, and if they just bothered to look I don't see how they could fail to see how I loved them sacrificially, so much more than the love they share between themselves.  I was the one they went to when they were torn apart, when they literally needed someone to hold them when they cried.  I have their darkest secrets in my possession, secrets I have never nor will ever share with another. 

And they hate me.

Some of the hate stems from outright lies, and this is incredibly difficult for me to understand.  Some of it is from a different viewpoint, and this I understand but I don't know why, after all I had done, I couldn't be afforded the benefit of the doubt.  Some of these feelings stem from the truth, when all of us saw the situation for what it was and we simply chose different sides of the path.  This is the easiest to understand, but the hardest to reconcile to any sound reasoning, to any principled action.  The situations were so black and white as to be laughable; these are the situations ethics textbooks include as their first examples because they're so easy to interpret.  In the end we all chose what we thought was right, and I don't think any of us would have changed our courses of action.

But they admittedly chose "friends" over anything else.  So why am I suddenly not worthy of this label?

To the girl who was seduced by my roommate, who lost her virginity to the one I lived with, who I consoled for months when she was dropped like last week's garbage, who confided in me and called me a good friend... why have you now rejected me so you can be with him?
To the man I used to share my life with, who I held in my arms as you wept for the girl you had loved who inflicted such terrible pain on you by assuring you of her love and then sleeping with your friends, whose secrets I know so intimately, who has been my self-proclaimed "brother" in the past, why am I now rejected for friends who you told me in your own words were not half of what I was to you?  Why did you tell me that I was the same as the woman who had lied to you, cheated on you, and taken everything that you gave her and trampled on it; how could you look at me and say those words?  Do you not know me at all?
To the woman who has shown me such absolute hatred, to the one who I held in my arms after you were all but raped by someone I knew, who I consoled on multiple occasions, reasoned with on many more; who I personally convinced to stay in school so you would have a future, whose counsel you always sought and who was my self-proclaimed little sister... why have you left me for the man who raped you, for the people who got you into trouble and caused you to lose the one thing you came here to do, whose deepest secrets I know and would never share... why have I become despised?

I mourn you all because I love you more deeply than I have ever seen any of you love another.  I mourn you because I would give up my life for any of you in a moment, without hesitation, and yet I am as dirt to be trodden underneath your feet.  I dream about you almost every night because I hope beyond reason that I might be reunited with you once again; but a bit of that dies every time I see you all together and I am excluded.

I've tried to reason with myself; to be completely honest there's nothing in any of your lives I envy, nothing I desire.  Lives that revolve around partying, hangovers, and making so little progress in your jobs and academic careers that you learn nothing from your studies and have to re-take half of your classes... this is a life I've never understood.  I can't comprehend why the closest people in your lives are the ones you alternately love and hate with equal passion and sometimes the change is so frequent and rapid that everyone else is left wondering what just happened.  To mock those whose lives have any semblance of success simply because they're successful and to only respect those who are louder, more boisterous, and can hold more liquor than yourself.  To have a life so based around lies and deceptions that the three closest people to your heart have three irreconcilable versions of the same story...  none of this I want, none of this I even want to be near.

But I want you.  I desire you.

I cannot understand it.  I've tried and tried to comprehend why, in the midst of lifestyles I despise and situations I hate, with mindsets I cannot respect and choices that I will not associate with... why do I mourn so much for you?  And the only answer that makes any sense at all is love. 

I wish you the best.  I pray for each of you every day and ask God specifically to bless you.  More than anything, I love you.  And I would give more than you can understand to make you understand that fact.